My Boyfriend Is No Stranger to Tech Layoffs. But This Time, Something Is Making It Very Different.

Good Job is Slate’s advice column on work. Have a workplace problem big or small? Send it to Laura Helmuth and Doree Shafrir here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Good Job,

My amazing boyfriend of seven years has a degree in computer science and has now been unemployed for 18 months. He worked for small tech companies for 12 years, since right out of college, and is no stranger to being laid off; this is his fourth time being unceremoniously offloaded. The previous three times, though, he easily found a new position within a couple of months. This time, however, he’s had maybe six or seven interviews in a year and a half, despite speaking to two headhunters and a career counselor, as well as working his networks, going all the way back to college professors and old study buddies for leads. The headhunters and counselor gave it to him straight: His degree is “old,” he worked in a niche area, and his salary tier and age make him unattractive to tech companies in our large, saturated metro area.

When he first became unemployed, he threw himself into it. He cooked amazing meals within our food budget, maintained his gym and health routines, did tons of stuff around the house, and read a lot. Now, I can tell he’s depressed. He hasn’t openly said it, but he’s not sleeping well, his gym habits are dropping off, and he’s spending more and more time staring at old TV shows during the day. (He’s gained some weight, too, which, if you knew him, would be a big red flag as he was the chubby kid who fought tooth-and-nail to change his habits.)

My question is, what is the best way for me to realistically support him at this time? He’s at a bit of a loss on how to proceed, and I’m not sure what to encourage, as I work for a nonprofit and only know what I read about the tech industry. He’s briefly discussed going back to school for something totally different, like health care, as jumping in and re-training for a tech gig at age 37 is looking less and less viable. I’m writing in because my closest friends are my sisters and my mom, and they are ZERO help. They advised me to kick my boyfriend to the curb and get a new guy while I still have “my body.” (Do women in their 40s not have bodies? So convenient! Fewer products to buy!)

—Worried for My Unemployed Soulmate

Dear Worried for My Unemployed Soulmate,

I hope your unemployed soulmate gets some solace from your sense of humor! Seriously, having a compassionate partner or friend you can laugh with is one of the only things keeping a lot of people going right now. It’s a terrible time in general, and a terrible time to be looking for work. Validating that it sucks, especially for someone who has been in a field that always seemed to have plenty of job openings, is a great way to be supportive.

He’s doing all the right things by networking with former colleagues and talking to headhunters and a career counselor. Do you know if the career counselor focused only on computer science roles? There are plenty of discussion boards where people share ideas about what you can do with a computer science degree—among other things, basically any job with “analyst” in the title. You might not be able to help much with that part of his search, but you or another career counselor might help him think more broadly about alternative careers.

He is not too old to learn a new profession, or another one after that. Some things are harder to do as a mature student, like learn a new language. But plenty of things are easier. He knows more about how to prioritize, focus, set goals, and understand his own work process than he did starting out. Many of his computer science and problem-solving skills could be relevant in a different career, like becoming a lawyer specializing in tech. In your nonprofit circles, are there positions that require technical skills but have different job titles or responsibilities?

This is a good time to talk through some of his beliefs about career and identity. You made some funny-ouch observations about the gendered expectations your family sets on you. Even if his family of origin was less fixated on traditional gender roles, he grew up in a society that expects men to be muscular or mathematical. You mentioned health care, and that’s a great idea. Are there traditionally female-dominated professions he didn’t consider when he was younger? Would he enjoy being a nurse, therapist, or teacher? If he’s worried about earning a big salary, talk about that explicitly. Tell him (if it’s true) that you aren’t with him for his income, because that’s another gendered expectation that can get in the way of healthy relationships.

It’s hard to think ambitiously or creatively when you’re depressed. Is he getting treatment yet? If not, that should be his priority. It might complement his depression management if you can encourage him to think about his next career step not as a sign of failure, but as an opportunity to rethink how he wants to spend his working hours.

Dear Good Job,

Two weeks ago, my manager tapped me to step up above my other co-workers and into a leadership position, since he had too many direct reports to keep track of anymore. I jumped into it as best I could: I was given no managerial training and no mentorship, so I’m going it alone (outside of booking more one-on-one time with my boss to ask questions). After zooming through podcasts, books, and online research, I feel like I’ve managed to at least show that I’m here to be fair, supportive, and to remove blockers from my team. I want to help them not only do their best work, but also to at least enjoy a little bit of it.

Two team members have gone from being neutral toward me to being THRILLED that I’m their manager. They are extremely courteous with feedback and love to communicate. Basically, they’re veteran workers who’ve let me know I’m doing a great job so far in general and for morale.

The other two, though, are clearly unhappy. Both of them were close friends and now talk tensely to me or slip in passive aggressive comments about how they don’t understand this change (it’s been communicated by the boss about seven times now) or are quietly refusing to do certain small things they know I’d have to get onto them about (doing timesheets wrong, or not scheduling meetings they’ve been given lead over so that I have to do it instead). I am very actively working against micromanaging them, and I want to help them, but they have effectively ended our friendship and are now adding in little stressors that they and I know aren’t enough to really fuss over—but are also things that make my job a little harder.

I’m actively looking for a new job for a number of reasons, but for now, I’m stuck. In the meantime, how can I swallow the feelings of disappointment and sadness I’m feeling and continue to put in my best work? I keep reminding myself that it’s the people further up the ladder who made this decision because they saw something in me, and that my co-workers are probably taking out their own disappointment on me because I’m a safe target, but it still makes me feel terrible. I would also love any management tips. I really want to do right by these people while I’m here.

—Lonely

Dear Lonely,

Congratulations on your promotion, and my condolences on these newly strained relationships. Moving from a peer role to a manager role can be awkward, even if everyone involved has good intentions. It sounds like your two former friends might not have the best of intentions, but let’s explore some less-fraught possibilities.

Your boss made a good decision in promoting you. Your approach to these new management responsibilities shows that you are thoughtful, motivated, able to solve problems, and eager to learn. Your former peers … not so much. Is it possible their screw-ups (with timesheets, scheduling, real or feigned confusion, fear of change) are standard operating procedures you’re only noticing now that you oversee their work? Understanding that some of their poor performance predates your management might make it feel less personal. After all, there are a lot of good reasons why you were promoted, and apparently a lot of good reasons why these former friends weren’t.

You’ve already realized that these people aren’t true friends, who would respect you regardless of your role in the organizational chart and unselfishly wish you success. From now on, your relationship with them is strictly professional. As their new manager, you should have access to the organization’s performance review system. Meet with each direct report to go over their objectives for the year. This will help you familiarize yourself with their goals, reinforce that you expect them to meet those goals, and start a discussion about how you can help them succeed. This is also a not-so-subtle reminder to your resistant direct reports that you’ll be evaluating their performance at the end of the year.

You mention one-on-one meetings with your boss. If you haven’t started them yet, schedule regular check-ins with each of your direct reports, too. Establish a running agenda that you share ahead of time, which minimizes surprises and reinforces the messages you’ll share when you meet in person. When you meet with the former friends, you could acknowledge, once, that you realize your work relationship has changed now that you’re in management, and you’re all adjusting. Then, with each of them, set clear expectations about work responsibilities, deadlines, and how and when to alert you if they are struggling to meet their goals. Make it clear in these meetings that they can bring problems to you early, without fear, and you will solve them together.

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Dear Good Job,

I recently started a small accounting firm with a friend. She is a couple of years behind me in her career, and I will probably be the person to sign off on her license once she meets all the qualifications. But she’s already a good accountant, and I trust her judgment! The thing is, she doesn’t trust her own judgment. I want us to double-check each other on big things, but she wants me to check every bit of her work. She knows what she’s doing, and I don’t have time for this! How do I calm her down?

—Exhausted CPA

Dear Exhausted CPA,

You describe your partner as a friend, but she is also functionally a mentee. You are only a few years ahead of her, but those few years make a huge difference for an early-career professional, especially since she’s not licensed yet. You think of her as a friend, business partner, and equal, but there is an inherent power differential between you, and she probably notices it more acutely than you do. It may feel awkward, but I think it would help her if you take on a more explicit mentorship role and give her clear instructions and feedback until she gains more confidence.

You must be very busy right now during the middle of tax season, but try to set aside some regular check-in time with her. If she keeps asking you to review small things, ask her to go over her process with you and endorse every part of it (or show her a better way, or ask questions). If you can affirm her approach to the smaller work, it’ll give more weight to your reassurances that you trust the outcome of her process. If she has endless small questions, ask her to prioritize three to five questions each day to discuss with you and handle the others herself. I suspect she needs to hear repeatedly that you have confidence in her work, even if it feels condescending or unnecessary to you to say so.

Your colleague wants to be meticulous, which is a great quality in any partner, especially an accountant. But she will make mistakes. Everybody makes mistakes at work. Tell her it’s OK and expected to make mistakes. Together, you’ll find the problems, fix them, and learn from them. Tell her that spending too much time looking for small mistakes is a mistake in itself, one that is avoidable. As she begins to prioritize the big things and trust herself with the small things, praise her for developing that skill. She’s still growing into her career, and it’s easy for someone at the steep slope of a learning curve to overlook what they have learned while they’re focused on all the things they haven’t. Part of mentorship is helping someone recognize their progress.

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